anndei's Blog

How do you stop missing someone you love?

How do you stop feeling like your constantly just bothering them?

How do you get them to know how much you care?

How do you prove to someone that they're the only one you ever think of?

How do you get them to believe that everything you do and say revolves around them?

how do you do this after the worry of not knowing what's going on? The Distance placed between you? The jealously that you feel just of her best friend. Just because she's with her and your not. After you couldn't be there? After you admitted all of this. How do you do it? is it even possible?

I don't know what came over me. I paniced. I felt so constricted. I couldn't breath. I was confused. Just because of work. We're working on hiring for the summer. Trainees everywhere. There we're so many people there. They didn't know what they where doing. I have never felt so...lost. In the place that I pretty much live. I seriously started hyperventalating. My hands started shaking. I was scared. I didn't understand what was happening. So I hid. I hid from the managers. Mainly because we're graded on how we handle certain workplace situations. I had to stay in the back all four hours. Only four hours I was there and I was panicing. We have had more people on the clock then what was there today. Another employee started talking to me and she said she felt clastrophobic. That's the word. It seemed to fit how I was feeling. I don't understand though why I handled it so badly. I'm generally just fine around people. even people I don't know. I thought I was going to start crying. I don't understand. This has never happened before. I was scared. Not because of the situation but because of my actions torward it. I don't understand.

Next time. Next time I see her won't be the same. When I attack her this time with a hug she won't pull away. I won't let her. I won't let go. Not again. It's killing me that I was there. Right beside her. Holding her hand. Sleeping against her. Yet I left. Sure I didn't want to but... I don't feel I put up enough of a fight. I could have found a way to be there longer. To be by her side. I cryed the night after. when I was alone again. With only the thought of her being right beside me the night before. How could I have let it go? It was so hard to let her go. So hard to visualize myself leaving where she was. I was dieing. I'm only afraid that when we can touch again, I'll cry again. Just remembering the nights that I had to deal with sleeping by myself. Wrapping myself up in my blankets just trying to feel the same loving and caring touch that only she can provide. It doesn't work. My blankets are cold and lifeless. No matter how tightly I wrap myself in their folds they're just as cold and lifeless as before I was in them. I crave her touch. It's the only thing that is enough to cure this lonelyness. I'm so lost without her. My time with her replays through my head. time and time again. It only makes me miss her more. By telling myself to try and focus on something other than her...I trip. Everything turns back to her. My obsession. My love and my life. She keeps me moving. Only in hope that tomorrow I'll be back in her arms.